HOLIDAY 2011

WE

NEED

TO

BOOK

IT

SOON

AYIA NAPAAAAA

Because I'm a soppy, romantic loser.

Bob Marley:

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only.

She loved before, she may love again.

But if she loves you now, what else matters?

She's not perfect -you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she makes you laugh, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyse her and don't expect more than she can give.

Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

I got da monies.

No I really don't.

I need moneyyyy.

When I'm in Soho on Tuesday I may have to do a spot of selling myself.

PAYDAY ISN'T FOR 12 DAYS :'(

Cringe.

Reading through my old blogs on here actually makes me cringe.

I didn't realise just how gay I sounded.

I'm so much happier now.

Obviously not everything is perfect but I'm thinking outside the box now; taking risks which consequently benefit me in a great way.

I got a job as a Freelance Journalist. WAHEEEEY. Interviews and whatnot in Soho on Tuesday..should be exciting :)

Only thing I must moan about today is...why do some boys find it so hard to make the first move? Baffles me so much.

The story of Conor Murphy.

NIGHTMARE ON LONG ELMES - synopsis: when a lonely college girl finds herself stuggling to sleep on a paki filled LONG ELMES, the local sleep killer Conor Kruger strikes fear into the young girls heart with his gigantic MOLE and vagina antics she invests in a cat

to save the day and kill him off in her sleep

but a secret lies beneath Kruger's antics

that actually he has no testicals because the young college girl sold them on ebay

for money to buy cocktails

which she puked up on her work colleagues

Harry Coaley = Pure Brilliance

Long time no speak.

Haven't written one of these in a long long long time!

So what's new? Not a lot really.

Been spending most of my time doing work and working at Waitrose.

Sent off my University application last week - applied to Portsmouth, Brighton, Sheffield, St Marys and Nottingham Trent.

If I don't get any offers I shall be more than gutted.

Pompey is my top choice, to go there and study Journalism with English literature. If I don't get an offer then god knows how I'm gonna have the motivation to do coursework and get into uni!

My love life is non-existant, as per. I've had a few crushes here and there.. especially this BEAUTIFUL guy at work, but it is unrequited. Two Asian twins are in love with me, I fancy a guy that looks like Example..he is Turkish.

I have picked a ridiculous amount of overtime this month, but nevertheless it will result in a lot of monies, so I can't complain.

My dad is getting me driving lessons for christmas. :D

Christmas Eve and NYE are going to be epic (purely because I won't have work the next day :P)

Yes, and that is my life up to date.

The perfect explanation.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they’re yours; love them forever. If they don’t, it was never meant to be. We do not possess anything in this world, least of all other people. At one stage in life, what you had is exactly what you wanted. You're the person who worked on it and made it what it was - no one ever forced you to. When it came to an end, well, no one is ever prepared for an end, but you yet again worked on it; harder than ever, in the hope of getting back what you'd watched walk away - you wanted things to get back to the way they were. One lesson in life which every single being experiences and learns is the fact that chances hardly ever exist and nothing you'll ever want in life starts off with a chance; it obviously isn't in need of one to want it.

A second chance is therefore a third chance, and no one will ever benefit from a third chance. As a result, if you're that one-in-a-million and get given a first chance, grab it with both hands and never let go because a second chance is only given by the foolish and blinded, and a third by the dead-minded, who will in no time realize that the third was the exact definition of a mistake; you'll have no choice but to watch it walk away...for good. Nothing in this world that's worth having and keeping comes easy, and nor is it simple to keep. The best things in life? Well they're priceless and the hardest ever to get hold off; you're lucky to ever get the opportunity. Striving and achieving what you've always dreamt of is the closest thing you can ever compare to love:- Falling in love isn't always going to be easy...you'll have to experience the anger, the tears, the hurt and the disappointments. However, despite the ugly and detrimental aspects of love, there are the beautiful portions; the trust, the laughter, the rushes and the excitement. There's so much more to it, but the feelings remain unexplainable; only you will ever know. Magic maybe the closest explanation, but even that is a shameful understatement. Truth of it is, nothing will ever compare; not even the second, third or fourth experience. Once you've achieved it, it's all yours and something you'll be comparing and looking back on with every single breath you take.

However, it's only when you still want what you've lost when you truly love what you had. Only then will you know that the love was true and had been all along. That feeling of being alone should make you aware of the fact that a second chance is not something you want or need and make you recognize the mistakes and faults much sooner than the previous situation, in order for you to deal with it more readily and correctly. If you'd never thought about it or met who you've met, you wouldn't like it. If you didn't like it, you wouldn’t want it. If you didn't want it, you wouldn't love it. If you didn't love it, you wouldn't miss it. But you did, you do, and you will. Don't ever be foolish and let the test of failure get to you; think of the greater things that you can never achieve and feel otherwise...the things you'll be forever missing and wishing you'd never let go of. If you ever decide on letting go, you're not supposed to love and nor are you supposed to care. You're not supposed to be living your life wishing what you’d let go off was ever there? You're not supposed to wonder where that thing is or what it is they do; you let go, you did that, you chose to. The lost or missed chance will move on and eventually make it, but you never will; you'll forever look back. So if it's really what you want, you can walk away and say you don't need it, but just remember your own bitter words when you begin to regret it all. You'll soon enough discover that real love is millions of miles past ever falling in love with anyone or anything.

When you make just that one effort to feel compassion instead of blame or self-blame, the heart will once again open and continue to open. Love the experience and the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart and the experience that loves you...that's when you'll lose everything, forever.

User, loser and heart abuser.

Jeez, it's been a while since I jotted down some random stuff on here.

Well, Malia was amazing. Not really much else to be said about that haha.

The boy I "love" is out of my life.

Why did I ever do anything, no regrets, just annoyance.

He's gone now, it's fine.

I realised how much I was being used.

Took a while, but my eyes are finally wide open.

Wandering eyes...

When you love someone so much, what do you do?

There's nothing you can do.

When you have that spark with someone, that nothing compared to it matters and you know those feelings won't go away - there's no way out of it; you have to lay your heart on the line and go with the flow.

My heart hurts when I'm not with him and when I am, the love is there but not as deep as when we part.

Nobody can understand the true meaning of love until it is gone forever.

Well isn't this just delightful.

Quite a while since my last blog and bloody hell, a lot has happened.

2 weeks until Malia and I have £130 spending money and NO clothes..I am really looking forward to this :|

Things with loverboy are slowly starting to work out. Slowly. Especially after what happened. I guess I'm just gonna have to go with the flow and see what happens.

Hmm.

As hard as you try, sometimes you just have to give up. Those that are closest to you are supposed to understand the line between right and wrong - I learnt the hard way and now she should too. Friendship clearly means nothing to some people; the bond you create with people depends on personalities and right now I think the personalities are clashing - especially on my side because all of this had made me more than angry.

Watch this space, I guarantee by July 23rd there will be murders.

Oh wow.

I have a feeling that this is going to be a long one.

I'm kinda all torn up with my feelings right now, anger, frustration, confusion, sadness - all because once again it's messed up.

Nothing ever goes the way you want it to, and when you think you're finally winning - you're not. It's all a trick. People are so deceiving, it's actually ridiculous to think that you should trust anyone but yourself.

You have the potential to be such a great person, why are you such a dick?

Don't ever love anyone. If there's one thing you should take from me, take that. Love hurts so much. You can take as much advice from people as you want, but when it all comes down to it - the only person you can listen to is yourself. You need to make your own mistakes in order to learn right from wrong and what's good for you.

I wish I'd make that decision all those years ago, the decision not to add it. Not to do it. But I did and look at the mess I'm in now.

WHY?!

Hours after my last blog, it's all messed up again.

WHY, just why?

I actually don't know what to do now - or what to think.

Modern society is just a complete load of wank.

I guess I've been saying it for too long, but finally he's gone.

Well and truly done and dusted, and there's no going back now.

I'm not putting myself in that position again, where I'll just end up back at the beginning - no bloody way.

I'm surprised at myself in all honesty, I never thought I'd see this day. Maybe it just hasn't kicked in yet.

Oh well, that's life.

In 6 days I will finally be able to legally drink.

My passport photo is terrible, I look like some sort of terrorist.

FML.

Wow.

I only have 16 days left of being a yout.

After that I'll be legal to do pretty much everything.

This is a very weird thought.

I'll actually be able to get into places without worrying about not having i.d.

This is oh so strange.

I think in a way I might miss being 17. I'll no longer be able to complain about "being 17" and "my life is so shit" - because that will turn into "I'm too skint to go out".

In a way, I can't wait, but in another way it's weird - I'm growing up.

I know age is only a number, but I've never wanted a birthday to come so much - and now that it's finally nearly here, it's really really abnormal.

Although, if my passport doesn't come in time, then I may as well still be 17.

You're gonna save me from myself.

I hate the feeling that sits in the bottom of your stomach.

When you see things that you don't want to see.

When you know things that you don't want to know.

I wish I had no feelings at all, I wish it was simple to just erase anything out of your mind and un-attach yourself. However, it's not that simple and it's not easy either. Especially when you don't know where you stand. I half know where I stand, but there's one half that is like "woo I have hope" and the other half which is like "oh, just brilliant".

I wonder if boys feel like this too, I doubt it. I think there's a few that do care deep down but just don't show it on the surface.

Although, this one boy in particular is a prick. There is no way to sum him up apart from knowing that he's a lying, cheating scumbag. A scumbag who I just can't ignore. I wish I could.

I wish he understood that not every girl is there to be walked over. I wish him luck with the new one, purely because she barely knows him and does not know what she's letting herself in for. She'll get hurt, and I'll laugh because I've seen it coming. What makes things worse is that she's stunning. He needs to grow a pair and stop being such a whiney little twat.

This time next year I'll still be moaning about him. I've been moaning about him for years and nothing changes. I want this to end. Right now.

Har har.

I was in a very strange mood yesterday, however, that has now blown over and I'm fine.

Who careeeeees, life is all about making mistakes.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.

Do not trust anybody.

Trust them to a certain extent, but never put your heart into it.

That way you don't get disappointed when they let you down - and you know that at some point you'll be let down.

I never knew I could feel like this.

It's beyond weird.

I knew it was all lies, every single word.

It's turning me crazy.

I wish there was an easier way.

With time comes greater feelings, and with greater feelings comes love.

I never really understood how, but I think you know you love someone when you can say it.

It can take different periods of time, but that deep emotion of not wanting to let go; that's not lust, that's love.

Your heart racing when you hear their name, see their name, receive a call or text from them, see them, miss them - it's all love.

Even if you know it will never work out, there's always some sort of hope in your heart - hope that one day there might be a chance.

Love is a horrible emotion, full of the 7 deadly sins; one of them being jealousy.

Of course we can't help getting jealous, it's all part of who you are - but jealousy can lead to turning mad.

Love can turn you mad.

Boy meets girl.

Relationships are just a test.

They're a test of time and energy to finally find your soulmate.

Some people are lucky, they can find their soulmate straight away - whereas others are searching their whole life, jumping from guy to guy (or girl to girl) to find the person who they can connect with.

When first beginning a relationship, you get the happiness high - neither of you know each others secrets or bad habits, it's just the honeymoon period. When you finally begin to get to know them better, this is when you realise if you're going to be together forever.

In most cases, they don't last. Couple's break up every day, girls crying and relying on their best friends, boys getting over it by going to a club with the lads and pouncing on the nearest blonde in sight.
We all have different ways of getting over people, nobody said it was easy or that it would happen quickly - but each of us move on eventually.

This is why love hurts. Love hurts because it's a build up all of that happy emotion; if you're together for more than 6 months then you begin to base your life around them. When it's over you're left confused and empty because that space that they used to fill is now gone.

EXAMPLE EXAMPLE EXAMPLE

Example was fricken amazing.

Was right at the front, he sang Me and Mandy with me, as well as saying SHOW ME YOUR DIRTY FACE. I was so so so so happy.

I got enough pictures of him.

Apart from getting stranded in Waterloo, this was a great kickstart (geddit) to the summer ;)

Procrastination for the nation

Sometimes some things can just never be simple.

There's just no way that it'd be able to work out.

People always get involved in your business, shit stirring and messing up friendships/relationships.

Like I said, I'm not making an effort any more.

On another note, Example tomorrow.

EXAMPLE

2 days and I shall be raving it up at his gig in Guildford.

He's amazing.

Somehow or another, I WILL meet him.

His album is out soon. :)

Track 1: From Space (intro) (produced by The Fearless)
Track 2: Wont Go Quietly (produced by The Fearless)
Track 3: Watch The Sun Come Up (produced by The Fearless)
Track 4: Time Machine (produced by Calvin Harris)
Track 5: Something In The Water (produced by MJ Cole)
Track 6: Last Ones Standing (produced by Bjorn Yttling - Peter, Bjorn & John)
Track 7: Millionaires (produced by The Fearless)
Track 8: Two Lives (produced by Ishi / 2Stripes)
Track 9: Kickstarts (produced by Sub Focus)
Track 10: Sick Note (produced by Chase & Status)
Track 11: DirtyFace (produced by Bart BMore)
Track 12: Loud (produced by Don Diablo)
Track 13: Hooligans (produced by Don Diablo)
Track 14: Wont Believe The Fools (produced by Wire)

AHHHHH.

Ecstatic right now. Over the fucking moon.

:):):):)

Help. me.

In all honesty, I just don't know what to do.

For the past few years I've been wishing for this to happen.

Now that it's going to happen, I'm not sure I want it any more.

Then again, I want it so badly, but I know, I KNOW, it's not for the right reasons.

It'll end up like it was in the beginning.

I love the attention, the fact that we get to talk all of the time, but it doesn't feel right. It doesn't make me feel special, it makes me feel used.

How am I supposed to tell him all of this.

You, me, 2 fit boys.

I'm happy that it's all over.

Last night it was settled, I said that it was all lies.

Well, slight twisting of the truth but it might as well have been lies.

However, now that I have an s.b I should be happy?

I am happy, but when I don't talk to him it makes me think about everything.

Like now for instance, and when he doesn't reply to texts.

It's baffling, like two completely different people.

Ah well, for now I am writing up an article about Alexander McQueen.

Very fun.

Oh yes.

I don't know why I bother being annoyed about stuff.

Everything happens for a reason.

If you don't care, then you don't get hurt.

I'm happy, happyyyyy :):)

LOL @ the post below.

I've come to realise that I'm not actually that bothered at all.

In fact, now that I know where I stand - it's made me much happier.

I can finally talk to a certain person without getting grief off of that twat. ;)

Ohh he's not a twat, and also not his fault that he doesn't like me.

But like I said in the beginning - I'm cool with what happens, and now I'm able to get over it and move on to someone else.

However, I don't think I'll be liking anyone else for a while.

Actually, fuck that - I'll be on someone new by this time tomorrow.

DISTRACTIONS ARE THE ONE.

Well, well well.

Finally I get a straight fucking answer.

I think you can guess that it wasn't the good option.

No, yet again I've been led to think otherwise.

That's it, I give up with men.

What is going on?

I don't want to feel like this any more.

I'm constantly sitting here thinking about it, going over in my head everything that may have been perceived as a signal.

The more I think about it, the more I realise that I'm treated no differently to anyone else.

Just friends.

I hate that phrase so much.

I'm scared that I'm falling.

The duck is on a mission.

I am currently wondering how I'm going to raise £500 spending money for Malia by July - with no job. Also another £100 for my passport. Money is such an issue it's actually ridiculous. Not to mention that I need to buy summer clothes too. Grrr. And a suitcase. :|

I hope he's there on Saturday. I wonder if it's going to be like this forever, just not talking about how we feel. It gets to the point where you want to give up - but I'm not giving up just yet.

I can't see anything happening, but there's always hope.

Confused.com

So yes, it didn't happen.

I'm happy it didn't, it was for the best.

I think I'm falling for him. I only realised when I was on the phone the other day to which I mentioned something along the lines of "if I could be with him then I'd never talk to (the guy i'm in love with) again."

That must've proved something. I wouldn't just drop him for anyone.

Weirdly enough, this one is worth it.

Oh, how splendid.

Again, boredom arises - so here comes another pointless blog about my wonderful life.

Currently I am sitting here pondering whether to be happy that this thing won't happen - or quite upset. I guess in the long run it will be much better for my mind.

However, I seem to have a stalker right about now. It started with trying to make someone jealous - but it seems to have backfired on me. What do I do?!

I feel kinda numb. I'm not quite sure why. I think I'm in the state of thinking about things, then knowing that I should be doing coursework and feeling guilty that I'm not doing it...

I want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else.

I think I'm going to go and listen to some music.

Chao.

Frustration and immense curiosity.

It will definitely not happen.

I should refrain from getting my hopes up to something that will not happen.

It's like a needle in a haystack; you have a minimal chance of finding it.

This will never be found.
It's just motionless trekking through the mind, taking you to different thought dimensions and strange feelings of hurt and anger.

I must stop letting my hopes get high.

FALSE HOPE.

Memoirs of an english girl.

- Love is a many splendid thing.

- Love is just a game.

- I can't survive, without your sweet love.

- You think that people would've had enough of silly love songs.

- Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs.

- Love lifts us up where we belong.

- Love makes us act like we are fools.

- We throw our lives away for one happy day.

- We should be lovers.

- Nothing will keep us together.

I will always love you.

Temporary fixes are not the way forward.

Ever tried to take your mind off something by pretending to be interested in something else?

I always tend to do this. Then I'll look back in a couple of weeks/months time and realise that I'm actually a very silly person.

If things follow through this weekend, I think I could either be:

1. The happiest girl alive.

2. A depressed slug.

This is the time where I don't know whether to go with my heart or my head.

In the long run, my head will keep me sane, but my heart will just drag me further into this.

I can see it now.

Although, it probably won't even happen. I'll end up being at home and wondering 'what if'.

I am such a loser.

The only explanation.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Reflection.

Have you ever analysed someone's appearance for so long that they start to look unrecognisable? It's rather strange to say the least.

Or just looked in the mirror at your reflection and didn't even recognise yourself?

It's funny how the world works.

To bring the tone down a little - doesn't it just annoy you when you go to the effort of buying stuff and wanting to make something work, and then the person lets you down? It's a proper kick in the teeth, that is. Worst thing is, he doesn't even know that I bought him anything. Not that he would know now, considering I tore it into little pieces and threw it in the bin. When I'm angry, I'm angry and the fact that there was no remorse or apologies, made me even more angry. ALSO that it got turned back around on me to make out like it was MY fault!

I am not doing it anymore. Of course I'll sit here pretending that everything's cool, when it's not. But why bother making any effort when you get fuck all back out of it?

Simultaneous ways to mess with one's mind.

I'm going to forget.

I.am.going.to.forget.

I have to.

envy

pride

lust

greed

anger

sloth

gluttony

I'm guilty of all of these.

I wish you could erase things from your memory easily.

Unfortunately, that's just not how it works.

Misinterpretations of a girl interrupted.

Why does nothing ever go to plan?

Things never turn out the way you expected.

So much for karma.

"Do good things and good things will happen to you"

No. That is not true. How many good things do I have to do before something worthwhile happens.

Constantly second best.

I'm a doormat. I just let people walk all over me.

I need to get a backbone.

I want something immensely great to happen to me.

I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile.

I do miss the feeling of being in love.

Uhum, you may read me.

When there is an effort being made, I don't feel the need to care. However, once that effort is dropped and I am left with no answers; I start to care ridiculous amounts.

It's just a way of life I guess? No attachment is the best attachment, it leaves no room for upset or over-thinking. Although, I over think too much for my own good. To be perfectly honest, I don't really care about much any more.

Love really is a word I've never learnt to pronounce.

Insanity lurks beneath the surface.

I think I might just be going mad.

I'm not quite sure why, but I seem to read into things and think about things way too much.

None of this makes any sense, the constant conversing that has never happened this much; the flirtatious remarks and lovable comments..

I'm trying not to get too attached this time round; it can only end in disappointment.

I am always right, even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

It just goes to show that everything is a lie. Trust should be handled with care, because it can be torn apart in a few minutes. In the end, the nicest of people can turn out to be the worst ones; the ones who will hurt you the most. If I had a heart, which I highly doubt I do, I'd say that it hurts right now. Not physically, because my heart hurting would probably mean that I was having a heart attack of some sort. Anyway, back to the point of my little rant - you cannot trust a word that anyone says any more. At some point in your life you will realise that the only person you should trust is yourself, because nobody makes it out alive anyway.

I must say, I thoroughly enjoy being walked all over, again, not literally - because that would hurt just a tad; but you get my drift. I guess that someone literally walking all over me would hurt just as much as the them doing it metaphorically.

At this precise moment in time I am procrastinating what to do. Should I leave it, or should I keep on pushing it to see what happens? I dislike the fact that I seem to be the one making most of the effort lately, it should be like that on both sides. Then again, nothing turns out quite the way we thought it would. Music seems to be my vice. When I'm happy I'll play some dance tunes, and continue being happy. When I'm sad I'll listen to Damien Rice, Secondhand Serenade etc. It goes to show that music can actually save lives. If I didn't have it to fall back on, I'd probably be slitting my wrists right now. I lie, I lie - I'll leave the emo stuff for another time.

I seem to be babbling on a bit, but I have nothing better to do right now. Possibly some work, but allow that for now. Another thing I must talk about is Facebook. It seems that everyone just stalks each other, including myself. I always tend to end up on some random person's profile - and have absolutely no idea as to how I got there. It's sort of bad in a way - I could know someone's whole life story just by looking deeply at their profile; and they would have no clue who I am. It's strange. Oh so strange.

To finish up, I have a dutty cough.

Great.

Why is it, that every guy I start to like - fucks me over?

It's like a have a permanent sign across my head saying "MUG".

I don't know how to feel anymore, is this how giving up feels?

What have I done so wrong that nobody can love me?

Yes. I have consumed a lot of alcohol tonight - that is why I am talking absolute shite - but still. don't understand how mens minds work. I am seriously confused and upset right now.

Teardrop.

I always do it.

I say I won't, but I do.

Now I feel like a complete and utter idiot.

I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut.

Would've made everything a hell of a lot easier.

I said it didn't bother me...

It does bother me.

Now it's bothered me because I just made a total arse out of myself.

I got nothing back from it.

Not even a reply.

Oh dear. Seems my new theory didn't go to plan.

I'll just go back to the moping and being upset over stupid things.

Yeah. Cool.

L-o-v-e is just another word I've never learnt to pronounce.

And so it is, just, like, you said it would be.

Life goes easy on me... most, of the time.

And so it is, the shorter story - no love, no glory; no hero in her sky.

I can't take my eyes off'a you.

I can't take my eyes off'a you.

I can't take my eyes off'a you.

I can't take my eyes off'a you.

I can't take my eyes off'a you.

I can't take my eyes..

Quite content, which is abnormal for me.

I feel relaxed for once. I'm not completely sure why; but this is possibly the first time that I'm NOT playing "the game". It feels so much better not having to be annoyed all the time - being laid back is possibly a great way to be.

It makes me smile - something that hasn't properly happened for a while. I'm optimistic about this. I'm never optimistic!

I somehow think that deep down, I am growing up.

I don't think about things as much as I used to. Usually I'd read into stuff like "ahhhhhhh I shouldn't have said that - why isn't he replying - he doesn't like me!"

Now I genuinely do not care. I'm allowing fate come to me.

Whatever happens, happens; and I can deal with that.

I felt the need to write something pointless.

Things can change in the space of a few days, a day, an hour, even a few minutes.

People say they'll be here forever, but what they don't realise is that they can't see into the future.

The future is a dark place.

What I don't understand is how people are like "I love you forever, I will never stop loving you".

How exactly do you know that you'll still love that individual in the space of a few months or years?

You don't.

I hate the way people throw the phrase "I love you" around.

I save it until I actually mean it.

Then again, some people have a different perspective of love and it's meaning.

I wish life was simple; but that is too much to ask.

Things are never simple, ever.

Heartbroken isn't even the fucking word.

Wow.

I'm speechless.

What the actual fuck.

It just goes to show that words and actions mean nothing.

They actually mean nothing.

People change their minds all the time, and I guess this is now the time that I have to move on for good.

Fucking hell.

I don't know what to say.

There is no relevant title for this one.

All I know is that, you're so nice.

You're the nicest thing I've seen.

I wish that we could give it a go, see if we could be something.

I wish I was your favourite girl.

I wish you thought I was the reason you were in the world.

I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile.

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

I wish you couldn't figure me out, but you'd always wanna know what I was about.

I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset.

I wish you'd never forget the look on my face when we first met.

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot that you loved secretly 'cos it was on a hidden bit that nobody else could see.

Basically, I wish that you loved me.

I wish that you needed me.

I wish that you knew that when I said 2 sugars actually I meant 3.

I wish that without me your heart would break.

Yeah I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake.

I wish that without me, you couldn't eat.

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep.

Look, all I know is that, you're the nicest thing I've ever seen - and i wish we could see if we could be something.

Yeah, I wish we could see if we could be something.

You're fit but my gosh don't you know it.

I wish it didn't make me so happy. But it does.

Pictures can form memories, of the past and the present.

Good memories and bad ones.

One day it'll happen.
Not any time soon. But one day.

Well, that was a first in a lifetime kinda thang.

I can actually say I've stood up for myself when it comes to a guy now.

Happy days.

Although, it now looks as if I've got the answer I wanted.

And as always, that answer was no.

Even though those words weren't exactly said, I know that is what they meant.

But whatever, I give up on trying anymore.

I'm no longer looking. It can come to me when it wants to make me happy.

That way I don't have to be constantly moaning, all the time using stupid distractions that will never get me anywhere apart from sitting in a pool of tears.

Not literally btw. I don't sit there crying over pathetic wastes of space.

I just deal with it.

I've learnt to deal with the shit in my life.

People need to understand that I don't fucking wait forever.

I'm here for now, and now is all it takes to change everything.

Damn it.

I wish I could control my feelings.

The pointless, but heartbreaking feelings.

See, I can start thinking about or liking someone after a short period of time.

Distractions. They're all distractions.

I don't want distractions anymore.

I want someone who will be there always. Always.

Too many people that don't understand.

Mumblings of random unnecessary rubbish.

I haven't blogged on here for a while now.

A couple of things and people have been and gone over the past few weeks but that hasn't really affected me too badly.

Now I'm starting to find out who my true friends really are.

Some situations make you think "is this my fault? am I over-reacting? should I leave it?" - and the current situation is all of them 3 put together.

In a way I want to go back and change the past. I really do - just so I could be at this point in my life now and see if things would be different or not.

But this is a true friend test. I want to see what she does. IF she does anything.

To be fair, I stopped trusting people a long time ago.

The only person you can really trust is yourself.

January 2010

This has been a really good beginning to the year.

Everything seems to be slowly fitting in place.

Slowly but surely, that is.

Only thing that is bothering me now is the boy thing.

In an ideal world, I would like a boyfriend - but is that a good idea before Malia...?

And, I'm not too sure if he likes me. Everyone says he does.

We'll just have to wait and see.

I can see this being another failed romance.

I am officially broke.

MALIA 2010 is happeningggggg sistaaa!

Booked it yesterday. £411 is not too shabby.

£130 deposit, in which I paid £80...and now have to find another £50 by 1st Feb.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

My EMA is going to be goneeee. But it'll be cool.

I just want to be away from England. The weather is shit. Everything is shit.

But, slowly, things are starting to look up.

Aha if this means that someone new is on the scene, then in fact, yes, you are right.

But now I am going to have to stop going out for a while.

I should have £120 EMA by the end of the month, along with £100 bonus.

My deposit will be fine :)

Although knowing my college they probably wont give me the bonus.

But I'm an amazing student. ;)

On another note, I'm supposed to be going to a house party in Barnet tonight. But no funds = not being able to go. Plus, the weather is forecast for another load of snow. GREAT. Can't wait for that one.

Oh dear, oh dear..

I didn't realise people we're actually reading my posts.

I'm quite embarrassed now. I don't want people reading this stuff - it's so cringey.

BAD TIMES.

I don't know what to say. Or how to feel. I am actually in shock. I didn't mean for it all to come out like that. It's my fault. I've fucked things up.

This is not the way it was supposed to be. lol.

I have just baited myself up proper.

New Year

So, it's a new year - and a fresh start.

Time to forget about the past, and to move up and on to better things.

I really need some money. I spent all of mine during the christmas holidays on alcohol and cigarettes. WHOOPS.

I need a job, oh so badly.

And I'd quite like a cup of tea right now. :)

I am hoping the deposit for this holiday isn't over £100 or my bum will not be on that plane seat.

GAAAAAAAAH.